When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.

Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.

I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.'

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.

A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.