The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.