A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.

How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose?

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

Yes, in baseball when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don't fire him because it rains. And you don't let the opposing team choose a new manager for you. And you don't fire him between innings. And replace him with a Viennese weightlifter.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection.