So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.'

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder."