So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks.

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.

If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.

Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance.