Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don't refer to us anymore as 'infidel crusaders.' They refer to us as 'Irish relatives.'

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.