Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.

Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance.

I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.

What is Kanye West's message? Like most rap, "I am the greatest person ever and you're not." I used to call it affirmative action for the ego.