If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'

Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.

You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.