Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.

I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .