Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?

North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream. To sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.

Love does not conquer all.