The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who were just funny, and that's fine, too. But that's never been what I was trying to do in comedy. I was always trying to do something that involved not pandering to the audience.

It just seems like atheists are not included in the basket of diversity in America, which is odd because we are the biggest minority. That is a bigger minority than any other minority you can name.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.