Your mom was right when she told you never to discuss politics and religion because emotions run so high in those arenas. Especially religion.

At times you have to fight. No way around it. At some point, every one of us is confronted with danger or injustice. How we choose to combat that challenge is often life-defining. You can face difficulties head-on, or run from them, or ignore them until they consume you. But no one escapes conflict. No one.

That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier.

I don't care about the Constitution! The Constitution isn't here; you're here. Don't be a pinhead.

At the end of the day, every child has learned the Lesson of Spin: Almost every wrong action can be stripped of consequences, along with the need for feelings of guilt and remorse.

The Clintons opposed gay marriage. They did don't ask, don't tell. They did the Defense of Marriage Act.

Whenever I go on a show with a comedian I just counter punch.