Being young is easy, you know, but it takes guts to be old.

Perfume companies ought to bottle the smell of crisp bacon. Forget pheromones. I’ll bet a woman with a little spot of bacon grease behind her ears would attract every male within a five-mile radius.

I always see to the dogs first and leave the cats and the occasional birds and rabbits and hamsters for later. It isn't that I play favorites, it's just that dogs are needier than other pets. Leave a dog alone for very long and it'll start going a little nuts. Cats, on the other hand, try to give you the impression that they didn't even notice you were gone. Oh, were you out? they'll say, I didn't notice. Then they'll raise their tails to show you their little puckered anuses and walk away.

Protecting people from the truth is another way of shutting them out.

Heads of warring nations could learn a lot about how to achieve lasting peace by watching dogs and cats who live in the same house.

I love the unabashed over-buttered, over-creamed, deep-fried, gooey, over-sugared excessiveness of Amish food.

Being young is easy, you know, but it takes guts to be old.