You know, I was once named Minor League Player of the Year...unfortunately, I had been in the majors for two years at the time.

Baseball hasn't forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven't lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.

Where would I be without baseball? Who am I without baseball?

I had been playing for a while, and I asked Louisville Slugger to send me a dozen flame treated bats. But when I got it, I realized they had sent me a box of ashes.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career - anything for a laugh.

Let's face it. Umpiring is not an easy or happy way to make a living. In the abuse they suffer, and the pay they get for it, you see an imbalance that can only be explained by their need to stay close to a game they can't resist.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it's never at the expense of the other guy.