If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.

I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.