Ping-pong was invented on the dining tables of England in the 19th century, and it was called Wiff-waff! And there, I think, you have the difference between us and the rest of the world. Other nations, the French, looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity to have dinner; we looked at it an saw an opportunity to play Wiff-waff.

When Cameron's Conservatives come to power it will be a golden age for cyclists and an Elysium of cycle lanes, bike racks, and sharia law for bike thieves. And I hope that cycling in London will become almost Chinese in its ubiquity.

Our friends in America will be at the front of the queue for trade deals.

Can I say anything good about Ken Livingstone? A long time ago he did some good things, but I can't now remember what any of them were.

We should celebrate immigrants and everything they do for our country.

Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.

The Geiger-counter of Olympomania is going to go zoink off the scale.