The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!

I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

You're not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don't shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth. Or, I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.

Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say 'find your masculine side?' And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I'm not interested.

I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.