When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!

Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we'll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There's a difference between the way men and boys behave.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.

You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.