The trouble with most coaches is that they start with the assumption that everybody is a turd. And that ain't right.

When it's first and a mile, I won't give it to him.

I thought I did until I looked at some old game films. (When asked if he played college football)

Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.

If I drop dead tomorrow, at least I’ll know I died in good health.

Yeah, that test says he's dumb as a fence post, but when he hits he looks like Einstein to me.

Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. He can take his'n and beat your'n, then he can take your'n and beat his'n.