[On men:] I'm torn between wanting to have one and wanting to be one.

All parents believe their children can do the impossible. They thought it the minute we were born, and no matter how hard we've tried to prove them wrong, they all think it about us now. And the really annoying thing is, they're probably right.

Mothers send strips to daughters to make a point. Daughters smack strips down on the breakfast table to make a point. My own mom sometimes cuts a strip out and sends it to me to make sure I understand her.

After 14 years of dieting, there are only two things I've never lost. Hope and weight.

My dog was with me all the time. I talked to my dog. She was my best buddy. I shared all my secrets with her, but I don't think I every really tried jokes out with the dog.

I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

Wake me up when I'm a size 5.