Now I'm searching for a slightly overweight, single, childless woman who doesn't have a date and isn't too depressing to be around. It's getting harder to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend.

After 14 years of dieting, there are only two things I've never lost. Hope and weight.

So often, happiness is the extent to which we balance our grandiose expectations with reality.

A young bride can put on makeup at 6 in the morning and look fabulous at midnight. I have about a 15-minute window where I actually look good, and then I have to wash my face and start over.

Allow yourself to graduate, every five years.

Otherwise, my whole career has just been flinging myself at whatever is most overdue first and letting everything else stack up.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.