Whoa, I've really got to stop making plans with fictional characters. It can't be healthy to develop relationships with people who don't exist.

Oh, I have this feud going with the L.A. Unified School District, because I keep getting these phone calls saying my daughter keeps missing classes, I mean, at all hours of the night, I had like, two calls this morning and I keep calling saying I haven't got a daughter!

Besides, anyone with an Internet connection feels they have the credentials to critique or belittle anything these days.

I don’t think I have the right parts to appreciate '50 Shades of Grey'.

You can't shy away from your greatness just because you're afraid you're not great enough

When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out

Once the world has made a decision, there is little anyone can do to change its mind.