When comedians get successful, the fans that they have aren't the fans they would hang out with. I don't have that problem.

Trying to make strangers laugh is crazy and more than a little narcissistic.

A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who's on a never-ending quest for improvement.

Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don't take themselves seriously.

The idea of the archetypal nerd is totally blurred these days. So many people of this current generation have grown up with technology and video games. It's just a part of the world now, a part of our shared culture.