Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

I've always prided myself on being able to perform in the "alt-comedy" zone, but also being able to do comedy for people who aren't media-saturated, and maybe don't have the latest Dan Deacon album. I probably won't be the most popular guy at Zanies in Nashville, and I'll never be the coolest dude at Largo, but I like that I can swim in both those waters.