There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

I'd like to think I'm a little more memorable or specific now. People laugh at me in a way they wouldn't laugh at another comedian, rather than being like, "Okay, who's the next joke-slinger? Give me some jokes so I may laugh and go about my day!"

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.