Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?

This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.

The medium obscured the message.

If you like what you're reading, I probably wrote it.

It’s like he has this power over me—like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.

I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.