Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie, If I only had a schlong.

When I teach seminars, I tell people, Your stuff has to look like something thats out there, because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.

As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don't want reviews from them, simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something.

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.