The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.