My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.