Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.