My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?