I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.