I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?