Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.