Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.