My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.