I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.