Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.