Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

God bless America. But God, please help Canada.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.