I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.