I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.