Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.