Born free. Taxed to death.

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!