Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

God bless America. But God, please help Canada.

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.