Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.