Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!