The only person we'll hate more than each other is ourselves.

Every day: Wear sunblock. Cover your gray. Do not go insane. Eat less fats and sugars. Do more sit-ups. Don’t start forgetting stuff. Trim the hair in your ears. Take calcium. Moisturize. Every day. Freeze in time to stay in one place forever. Do not get frigging old.

In truth, the degree of anyone's success depends on how often they can say the word yes and hear the word no.

When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen.

Today is just one of those days the sun comes out to really humiliate you.

Recycling and speed limits are bullshit. They're like someone who quits smoking on his deathbed.