Everybody's trying to make every minute of the present last forever. Preserve every second.

Honest is how I want to look. The truth doesn't glitter and shine.

Emotionally, in our minds, we get so filled with resentments where we've got a story about absolutely everything.

Writers should be able to fully deduct from their taxes all writing-related expenses, including alcohol, parking tickets, court judgments, fines for lewd public behavior, Zoloft, and cigarettes.

Part of her doing suicide intervention is my caseworker has to mix me another gin and tonic.

You ever wonder if Adam and Eve were just the puppies God dumped because they wouldn't house-train?

What we think of as Halloween is really the product of media barons, city mayors, and candy-makers. You know, before the 1920s, Halloween was really a terrible, terrible night.