You're not getting this back you know. Consider it an asshole tax.

Life's greatest comfort is being able to look over your shoulder and see people worse off, waiting in line behind you.

Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth. Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the national currency.

If there’s any trick to doing a job you hate . . . Mrs. Clark says it’s to find a job you hate even more.

this is the upside of already being eternally damned

I remember selling my first short story and thinking, Oh my god, I sold something for fifty dollars! That gives me the authority to say I'm a writer and to actually write more things! It legitimized the activity.

We live and we die and anything else is just a delusion.