Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be.

Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don't worry. I'm not as smart as George W. Bush.'

The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie.

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.