Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.

A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.

After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn't even president yet, and he's already made America a better place!

Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.