Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.

All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.

If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.

Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'

In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.