Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.

If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.

In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'