With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.